Over the last 24 hours these are the emails I've received from my college buddies. We like to let Jacob go on rants as often as possible and always give him topics. What follows is one of the better ones we've had. Enjoy!
Tex,
How do you feel about the death of Ingmar Bergman and everyone in the media calling him "the most influencial filmaker of the last X years?" or better yet "He was probably the greatest film artist, all things considered, since the invention of the motion picture camera" - Woody Allen
- DiBs
I have two complaints. I will address them seperately.
#1 What do I care what woody allen thinks. Annie Hall was all right. What else you got? seriously. This from a man who could have said "Sex with my 13 year old Asian Cousin is, all things considered, the best sex since the original precreation of the species." *
*not actually said, but inferred from actions
#2 Ingmar Bergman was good. Not as good as the love he will get since hes now dead. (btw woody allen said that a couple of years ago, so its dumb but at least its not "hes dead now" revisionism)
He was a good photographer. Probably a great photographer who translated his works nicely to motion pictures. He's the father of the foreign film that makes you go "what?"
Seriously, think Eddie Izzard in Dress to Kill reinacting all British movies: "Sebastion what are you doing? I'm just arranging matches"
Any movie that can have 8 minutes of two characters and no dialogue is not GREAT! It might be good, but anyone can do that now. I admit I have only seen Cries and Whispers and clips from Persona and the seventh Seal. So what do I know. I just hate that when someone dies he is all the sudden the greatest thing ever. Kirby Puckett syndrome.
Seriously, people were even feeling sorta bad about Saddam Freaking Hussein--Mass Murdering BAstard!!!
He's no Michael Bay!
Fabula Fabula fabula, Syuzhet!
Jacob "seriously, give me Wim Wenders anyday" VandeMoortel
The Kirby Puckett thing is pretty ignorant Jacob. He was a great player and a great ambassador to the game. Are you saying he wasn’t a hall of famer before he died?
Either way it is pretty shallow and I would expect more from you. How do you think his kids feel. I don’t mind making people seem a “little greater” when they die….it is the least we could do.
“A legend in our hearts forever” -- Myself on Dale Earnheardt.
Jacob…you would learn from that quote
Anybody want to go watch the Phillies beat the Brewers on August 5th? Cheaps seats and we could root against the Brewers
Mitch
I left Jacob out of this e-mail…but everyone respond with something bashing him for ripping on Puckett…make it real cheezy to….it will get an even better rant
How could you blind side a dead person like that. It’s just terrible. Next thing you know DiBari will be sending you a rant request about them making an Alvin and the Chipmunks live action movie and you’ll go on a tangent trying to explain how Alvin and the Chipmunks are a myth just like the holocaust.
Brett
Jacob,
Woody Allen is a genius. His old stand-up was amazing, his comedic writing is phenomenal, and he had at least 6 good movies that I've seen 2 of which are great! And he did not sleep with his 13 year old Asian cousin, he slept with and married, his ex girlfriends 22 year old adopted daughter. Big difference. He is not Jerry Lee Lewis, "Goodness Gracious Great Balls in my 13 year old first cousin!!!!!"
Secondly, I don't like movies that make me say "what!?" I like movies that make me say "Huh?" or "AHH!" or even "Why?", but "what!?" That just means the movie made no sense, Huh? means, it was smart and I must have missed something of i am just not learned enough for it. Almost like a Dennis Miller bit, the creator of Huh? comedy. I love Eddie Izzard, but I do not put him in as a "Huh" comic, he is a Monty Python descendant and is a carrier of the British Silly "ehh?" comedy, along the lines of the late great Benny Hill. And arguably the best at it ever, it starts from his look and goes from there. Not to be confused with the Ricky Gervais "(silence)" British comedy, that he is the purveying master.
Thirdly, its not the Kirby Puckett Sydnrom. He died a fat, blind, adulter, wife/mistress beater, but with a great smile. I prefer it as the Nicole Brown-Simpson Syndrom. She was an uppty cunt, that took her successful husbands money and children, and used it to fuck her way around Hollywood and get fame. BUT since her head was chopped off, she was a poor nice lady.
Lastly, Saddam Hussien was a poor bastard. He was taken from a place of power and money, where his voice was law. He kept peace over 3 warring peoples through an iron fist, but he kept peace. I know some of the people are happy he is gone, but I gaurentee he had a higher approval rating than our current President. As much as I love freedom, for some people, they don't want it, and it is not bred into them. It took over 3 hundred years for the French and British to come to understand and accept freedom, and it took America, a country founded on "freedom", almost 2 hundred years to accept it for all people. Why would they accept it overnight? It is something that has to be engrained into the people, IE Russia and the eastern block.
How does this sound - "you are free, now do as your told, and have elections, and freedom of relegion, and eqaul sexes, and..."
Does that sound free?
But we are not going to gas hundred of thousands of people to protect the millions, instead, you need to just accept each other.
So when we feel bad for Hussien, its more of a feeling for his people and the fact he kept the peace and economy (oil) running. Plus, he really liked Doritos and MTV, just like us!
- DiBs
Alright, first off the Kirby Puckett anaology was not only the wrong analogy but awfully distasteful. I mean the man's dead for goodness sake, show him some respect. The analogy of Nicole Brown Simpson was much better. Also a better analogy would be Dan Marino, Barry Sanders, Ted Williams Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandburg, none of which won a Championship and the latter 2 would be completely obvious to you I would think. Bergman never won an Oscar but was nominated 4 times. Obviously a better sports comparison than Kirby Puckett which again just was a crude comment to such a legendary figure.
J-Elder
What do Kirby Puckett and my penis have in common? THEY ARE/WERE ONE EYED
MONSTERS!!!
Scott
No.
Ingmar Bergman is not like Ryne Sandberg or Ernie Banks. Ingmar Bergman was a Hollywood outsider. He was never much expected to win an oscar despite his nominations. Martin Scorcese not winning one was unheard of. Ingmar Bergman not winning one is maybe wrong but it is rather expected. I mean Maria Full of Grace from Journeyman Productions based out of the QC got a bloody nomination (Best Actress:Catalina Sandino Moreno 2004) On second thought, the Cubs were never expected to win much of anyhing either (except maybe in '69--which disqualifies Ernie Banks).
Also, might I point out that I didn't say Ingmar Bergman was experiencing Kirby Puckett Syndrome. I was pointing out that Woody Allen said all his superlatives years ago before Bergman was dead. So it was NOT KPS!
Furthermore, please don't feign moral indignation at my calling out of Kirby Puckett. Kirby Puckett syndrome-as I see it- is when someone who was really good--maybe truly great (and he might have been--but not one of the ten or 20 best of all time!)--dies and instantly becomes one of the all time greats and everyone overlooks all the things that weren't so good.
Kirby Puckett had many things that weren't so good. Baseball-wise, he was pretty solid. He was the inverse of Ichiro--super hitting but more HR's and less SB's. He was a Hall of Famer and deservedly so.
But he had his Demons. I reference Sports Illustrated March 11th, 2003:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/news/2003/03/11/si_puckett/
Domestic Distrubance: not abuse--just disturbance
"Alleged" Sexual Abuse
Public Lewdness
Drunkeness
Everyone has the common sense to admit that Ty Cobb was one of the greatest hitters to ever live but he was a flippin' bastard.
Kirby Puckett seemed to be a great guy while playing. Afterwards, he fell apart. I don't say we need to skewer the guy, just be honest about it. He didn't exactly put the Saint in St. Paul. When he died--unexpectedly and young (just the way a 24 hour news network likes it!)--everyone was all atwitter about how wonderful he was and what a great man and baseball player.
Full Disclosure Please!
In death, remember the good. But if an asterisk is needed, use it.
Those who are acting offended by the KPS reference remind me of Tom Delay or Newt Gingrich acting outraged and indignant at Bill Clinton or some other such bunch of "Moral High Horsers."
I'm not anti Kirby Puckett. But I want you to know I wasn't just tossing around names carelessly. I knew what I said and I stand by it.
I'm a bastard.
Goodnight
-jv
Jacob….haven’t you been guilty of all these crimes at one time???
Domestic Distrubance: not abuse--just disturbance – After Lewis wedding when you were so wasted….you started throwing up and bumbling around naked…AJ and I tried to help you get dressed and gather yourself…and you became violent saying you were going to “kick our ass” and to “leave you the f**k alone or you would beat us”
"Alleged" Sexual Abuse – Wearing a thong around Forsetti and running around Augie campus. Also all those kittens you took upstairs to “cuddle” with senior year.
Public Lewdness – How many times did you urinate outside on the trash bush???
Drunkeness – Spilling on yourself all the time at Kai’s and “I’m invincible” I think say enough….
Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Leave Kirby alone….and don’t try to bring great legends like Ty Cobb into it either.
Why don’t we just look up a bunch of dirt on Walter Payton??? He’s dead and can’t defend himself
Mitch
"Domestic Disturbance: not abuse--just disturbance
"Alleged" Sexual Abuse
Public Lewdness
Drunkeness"
This is Kirby Puckett's rap sheet? Domestic Disturbance from a man whose fantasy football team name is Domestic Abuse is somewhat contradictive is it not? "Alleged" Sexual Abuse is merely alleged, though quite an allegation nobody has proven this happened. Leaving the first two out of the equation we are left with Public Lewdness and Drunkenness which everyone on this list of email could have been convicted of at some point, or will be the night you wear the confederate flag shirt....It's hard to rip on a guy that really isn't that "tainted" at all.
Ignorant
Justin
I just talked to Jake on the phone. He is still mad we all defended Kirby Puckett. He is saying when he dies, he only wants to be referred as a "good guy who threw up on his birthday and claimed to be invincible"
Dibs
thanks for the laughs guys with jake on kirby puckett. keep the rants coming!
AJ
And thus is my Inbox the last 24 hours!
